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What's Your Sex Appeal: Dress Up or Get Down

written by: Shane Burley•edited by: DaniellaNicole•updated: 6/4/2009
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If you play your cards just right you just might get rescued from your parent's basement.

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    We All Know You're Not Good Enough

    For those who feel like committing a violating assault on their own self-esteem the iPhone is ripe with avenues. One mainstay of American culture that has survived The Bachelor and Ryan Seacrest is the insulting Cosmopolitan magazine quiz. For all those self absorbed face cream consumers who feel like soaking away their mid-level careers in chemical baths this is the perfect way to unwind and increase the self-loathing that will induce your next mall bender. The fun of quizzes like “Is He Cheating?” or “Am I STILL too fat?” are fantastic barometers of real life, and the same kind of Gallop detail has been replicated with the popular new iPhone application “What is Your Sex Appeal?” You better be on the edge of your seat.

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    Middle Ground

    As What’s Your Sex Appeal opens up you get the red light silhouette of an anorexic high schooler taped over in a swim suit. This is perfect for getting in the mood. You then select you gender and get going answering “honestly.” Next is a slightly disturbing moment where you have to set your age. The top preference is for ages 21 to 31, which are the only ages that matter. Next, you have under 21, which in combination with the iPhone reputation reminds us that there are going to be seventh graders running around home room bragging about their elevated sex appeal. The final option is above 31, because we all know that no one past this will survive the sexual Logan’s Run.

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    How Often Do You Brush Your Teeth?

    From here, you begin moving with questions like “How Much Chest Hair Do Your Have?” and “How Do You Describe Your Build.” These are not the questions that the female population should be answering, but if you can then I’ll give you your score immediately. With each question there are a few smarmy answers you can choose from, usually giving you two good answers and one that is going to leave you alone into your forties.

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    Boring

    What Is Your Sex Appeal is not exactly accurate, and I am going to be yelling at it for quite some time. Nonetheless, it isn’t much fun and the questions seem rather annoying. Still, if you have almost nothing on your phone you may want to give it a shot next time you are up on your little pedestal. You know you didn’t belong there to start with. Four and a half out of ten stars.