Teachers communicating with parents conjures up various images. For some, it produces memories of teamwork and satisfaction. For most, however, it dredges up memories of teachers dealing with parent anger, parents dealing with teacher anger, irrational badgering, and chest pressure.
My second year teaching provided one such moment:
About to exit my room for a four day weekend, my joy was interrupted by an irrational troglodyte who I knew as Tim's Mom. "How come my Timmy has a D?" she asked, "Just two weeks ago he had a B. I need answers and I need them now. Why are you picking on my Timmy?"
I wanted to punch her in the face. Instead I explained calmly that precious Timmy did not turn in a 200-point project. A project on which he was given time every day to work on in class that week. I remarked that I too was frustrated with Timmy's decision not to do his work.
I still wanted to punch her in the face, but as she transferred her anger from me to Timmy, I inwardly gloated, accepted her apology and left for my golf vacation in South Carolina realizing I had mastered one of many tips for teacher parent conferences.
Here's the best advice I've ever heard for teachers dealing with parent anger: Dale Carnegie advises, "there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument--and that is to avoid it." He adds, "If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory."
Here are some suggestions for implementing this sage counsel:
- Welcome the disagreement - The disagreement either gives you an opportunity to advocate your position or an opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
- Distrust your first distinctive impression - Act out of calmness, not out of anger. This is the greatest of tips for teacher parent-conferences and can be applied to such things as e-mail, text messaging, and twittering.
- Control your temper - There's no sense having two out of control people.
- Listen first - Don't debate, defend, or resist. Let the parent finish.
- Look for areas of agreement - Build on common ground. Most often the common ground is you both want the student to get a quality education. Start there.
- Be honest - If you made a mistake, apologize and move forward. This can be hard, especially when you're being shouted down in front of your peers.
- Thank the parent for her concern - A concerned parent is an involved parent. That's good.
- Remember who the ultimate authority is for each child - Government run schools too often usurp the authority of the parent. Always remember it is the parent's choice whether or not a particular book is read or a subject is taught. Only when your decision becomes unfair to other students should the parent's opinion be countered.
Give both sides time to think about the issues. It is the cornerstone of success for teachers dealing with parent anger.
Ask yourself some tough questions and act accordingly:
- Could the parent be right?
- Could the parent be partly right?
- Is their truth or merit in the parent's position or argument?
- Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or just my frustration?
- Will my reaction drive the parent or student further away or will it bring us closer together?
- Will my reaction elevate the estimation that good people have of me?
- What price will I pay for winning the discussion?
- Will the disagreement blow over?
- Is the situation an opportunity for me?
