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Number 10: Humping Dog
Please let us know if there is any point in spending your USD 45 for a USB-powered dog that does nothing more than, umm, humping. Plug it in to a spare USB slot, watch it hump, then shelf it and never look back. Not cute, not useful, not anything that I can speak of.
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Number 9: Bouncer
Another pointless USB accessory that is a bodyguard from the fifties who is able to speak just three sentences: “Your name is not down, you are not comin' in”, “Not today mate” and “You are not coming anywhere near here looking like that.” If you think that this guy will deter your cubical mates from stealing your staples, think again.
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Number 8: Snowbot
This is a snowman/robot hybrid that has scanning eyes like KITT. You can change the scan speed, turn the scanning noise on or off and change the scan color. This is pretty much it; you cannot do anything else but listen to the evil sounds from your USB snowbot. It is available from ThinkGeek at USD 11.99.
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Number 7: Chainsaw
Please tell us if you know any reason to have a USB chainsaw attached to your computer. If it's for recording your wood-cutting fantasies from your webcam, or if it's your fantasy to fill your working room with wooden chips, then I have nothing to say. This would be a better accessory if it could be coupled with some video games, such as Silent Hill, Resident Evil or the like. For the time being, it is nothing more than pointless.
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Number 6: Ghost Radar
We won't discuss whether or not you believe in ghosts, but apparently having a USB radar that shows you the location of the ghosts will not save you from them. Imagine sitting down in front of the computer in the middle of the night and having an alarm from your ghost radar. If you are playing Resident Evil right then, the radar sound may -God forbid- result in a heart attack. I can recommend the gadget for the ghost hunters: it will be a good idea to couple their notebooks with this one in their ghost hunts. No, please drop me from your list.
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Number 5: Hand Warmer
You definitely need these hand warmers when you take your notebook computer out in the cold weather and find it difficult to type. Or you can use these to warm your hands in your cold apartment. If that's the case however, you're better off looking for a warmer place to live. I don't deny the fact that these can be a good gift for your constantly-feeling-cold girlfriend (you can also couple this gift with the USB-heated slippers). No, not for me, thank you.
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Number 4: Eye Massager
Yes, we are sitting in front of the computer for a long time and our eyes get a little bit tired. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just massage our eyes without any effort? Our friends in China agree and have come up with USB eye massager. You do not need to do anything: just plug it into an available USB port and switch to “high speed” or “low speed”, depending on your massaging need. A perfect solution. As for me, no thank you; two fingers touching my eyes means many things, but not a massage.
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Number 3: Doomsday Device Hub
If you watched too many “world destruction” movies in the eighties featuring either the USA/USSR or the villain trying to destroy the world with pushing of a button (and you want to be one for yourself), here is your chance. Plug the doomsday device hub to your USB port, activate switch one, then switch two. Switch three can only be operated by an authorized personnel (which means you). Then open the cover, hit the red button (if you fail to activate the switches in correct order, it will not function) and watch the earthlings explode. The added benefit is that it also acts as a 4-port USB hub. Save your world-domination dreams for later.
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Number 2: Tie
Now, let's do some business. What would you do when the other party wants to send you something but you have no way to receive it? Come on, nobody carries notebooks to the business lunches or small talks. Put on this USB tie and you are always ready to receive some files. Just don't forget to “safely remove” yourself.
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The Winner: Vibrator
No shame here. If the manufacturers have rolled out such a device, then we will definitely put this on the top of our list. The USB Vibrator (or USB Prober if you will) has 5 interchangeable latex heads with 10 different vibrate rhythms, plus a self-adjustable finger ring pulsating finger. I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, it does not synchronize with your actively playing adult movie.